Saturday, October 16, 2010

I pause, take a deep breath and step out of my cage

This is an old journal entry I found and thought I would share. I'm beginning to realize that the beauty of journaling is being able to go back, see where you were and see how far you have come! How lovely to know that we are in a constant state of change and we cannot stay stuck in one place if we desire to move forward!

Maybe I just wanna fly

February 1, 2010

If there is one thing I have fallen in love with after all of these years. If there is one thing that I truly love, it is myself. And I don’t mean that in a good way. I have idolized myself, my needs and wants, while altogether shelving the thought of God being in control of my life. Of course I like the idea of an almighty God who cares for me. But to tell you the truth my mind has become numb to that concept. I can remember a time of sensing God. Feeling Him so real so close, hearing Him speak to me so clearly. But somehow, as I had secretly feared my relationship with God began to cool and soon I found myself in a spiritual coma, completely absorbed with myself. Oh, how good it feels to cater to my every need and desire. But while I am doing that I am turning a blind eye to a part of me that is dying. The better part of me is dying, and I realize I have become one of the worst versions of myself. Suddenly I understand this is the reason for all of the angst in my life. This is the reason for the uneasiness I feel, the sense of unrest in my stomach and the eternal feelings of regret and frustration. So while I experience fleeting moments of bliss being self-serving I also feel my better self begin to atrophy. I don’t want this, this zombie like existence, living like a caveman. I want to be free of this gilded cage I have created for myself. “Please will someone find the key and set me free!” As I scream those words I realized there is one who has the key. There is one who has already unlocked my cage; I was just blind to it. Now I sit afraid to leave all I know. I pause, take a deep breath and beg the Creator of the universe to guide me through what I CANNOT do alone. I step out of my cage, feel the warmth of the sunlight on my face and pray to God that I will never go back.

3 comments:

  1. darling, Story, you are truly a kindred spirit, a bosom friend as Anne of Green Gables would say. i love you and am so proud of how far you've come and the beautiful woman you are.

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  2. lovely blog mia :) thanks for the nice comment! x

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  3. Wow Mia. That was truly beautiful, and so completely relatable. I have goosebumps now... I love you, girl.

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