Saturday, April 30, 2011

Hitting the wall

the wall

This week I realized that I like to push my limits, but most of the time in all of the wrong ways.

When I go on a run I get to a point where I break through a wall and I feel like I can keep running for a long time and nothing matters anymore. Before I get to this point I whisper to myself again and again, "hit the wall, hit the wall, hit the wall." I let this thought echo through my mind as I feel my heart thump within my chest as it adjusts to my physical exertion. This particular act of hitting the wall is a good one.

However I have noticed I have been repeating this mantra to myself in other areas of my life. I tell myself when I am getting tired at 9:30pm and feeling a little yucky, "Hit the wall." I know I will a hit a point in the evening where I will get my second wind of energy and I'll be fine. Or at least fine until I wake up the next morning feeling exhausted and sleep deprived. I repeat this mantra to myself at work, "Just get through the next half hour and everything will be okay. Hit the wall." I tell myself this in conversations and while I am sitting at the computer, "Do what you want to do. Say what you want to say. Push yourself past the point of guilt. Hit the wall."

Soon I realize I am stripping my life of its vibrancy.

When I get writer's block, when I feel stuck in my relationship with Christ and others, when I can't seem to spit out what I am thinking verbally, I say to myself, "C'mon! Hit the wall!" But this time the result is not the same. I can't push past this wall, I can't make it go away. It looms over me causing me to feel weak and helpless. I get angry inside, "Why can't I do this?" Then in my anguish and frustration I hear a voice quiet and strong. It says to me,
"Just wait, I'll give you what you need. Just trust me. Just fall down at my feet. Stop fighting the allied forces in your life. Let me lead and I will not lead you astray."
Every time I hear these words from my heavenly Father, in just the right way, at just the right time, without fail, my Savior renews my strength. And I hit the wall, breaking through it in the best of ways. As victory pulses through my veins I realize I have not broken through this wall by any means of my own. This breakthrough happened through the power of Jesus Christ. All I have to do is be faithful and wait for Him to break through for me.

This is the promise of God's perfect love.
Daily I will wake up and run the race set before me.
I will grow weary but I will never be alone.
I will never have enough strength on my own but Jesus will always seek to be my strength.
Jesus will always fight for me.
He will never back down.
He will never allow me to be overpowered beyond what I can handle.

I Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

Thank you Jesus!!!
Humble me.
Break me.
Be my strength and my all.
Consume me with a passion for You that cannot be quenched.
You are good and Your love endures forever.

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